After 17 years, which was in August 2008, the thought of him just came across of my mind and tried to keep up with him as after all he's an old childhood friend of mine... Thank God for Facebook. Hahaha. Found him! Added him and messaged him if he remembered me. That's on September 25, 2008. And since then we started chatting everyday... everynight... I went to KL for a break and met up with him on October 24, 2008. So excited to meet an old old old childhood friend whom we have lost touched for over 15yrs. The love bloomed while we were enjoying the cool weather in Genting Highland. Seem fast huh? He is the man of faith. I was a pessimistic person. I was about to give up on love... on men... (after years of rejection with those men I thought I like or some men who were in love with me but I've no feel to them - always a one-way love for past 15yrs) and... HEREHE WAS!!! Pouring his feeling, his encouragement, his optimism, his dream... He inspired me to see of myself, of who I am. He loves me... and I fell in love with him. His eyes lashes were so beautiful! His voice was so... awesome. His character... great! Well, let's put aside of his size and look, he is everything I want in a man - a man full of laughter, smile, patience, understanding, tolerance and finally optimism that create everything so fresh and new of what I was experiencing - L.O.V.E.
Despite the distance, despite the work load we made time to meet up every month for a short weekend get-away either in KL or SG. He was working for RedFM in 2008, his dream of working in a radio station. We had a great time from Xmas 08 till New Year 09 both in KL and SG. And came a time he was retrenched from RedFM as he was the last to join the station, and the company is cutting down staff in December (during the credit crisis in 2009). Then and there he decided to move to SG for jobs. Woohoo... That's the beginning in year 2009 in SG we are going to be together. "Love is in the air..." (humming)
Distance between two hearts is not an obstacle... rather a beautiful reminder of just how strong true love can be
25 January 2009, the eve of Ox Year, Jerry came back to PG from KL, and I from SG. We were so excited & nervous as we were meeting each other's families. I went and met his family and his twins - Sharon and Sebastian aged 4 years old (from his previous marriage). My parents invited Jerry to our family reunion dinner. So exciting. But sigh~~, the 1st impression my mum saw in Jerry not too good. In fact freak her out and gave her the impression that Jerry was "forcing" me into something I dislike which my mum knew all this while. I dun take chilli padi. Jerry "playfully" wanted me to try. My mum kind of got mad and told him off that I am her daughter and she knows that I don't take chilli since young. Who is he to force her daughter to do something she dislikes? Wrong move. Misunderstanding started since then. We still went out as a couple despite the unhappiness from my parents. Time will tell, we believed.
28 January 2009, the 3rd day of CNY'09, my darling joined me to my SGGS old school friends' CNY gathering at Starbucks, e-Gate. Yeah, we were so in love... love birds that stick to each other, everyone complimented.
6 April 2009, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING!!! Stay hugable always!! *muak muak* I went to KL to spend his bday. How did we spend our time? *secret* Hahaha...
Sometimes in May, my darling moved to SG, and stayed with me at AMK. He was so actively looking for jobs then. So happy to have him around, just like husband and wife. Unfortunately, due to his divorce not legally done as scheduled in April, we were unable to register our marriage as planned. We continue to hold on to our dream to be ONE, and work hard towards building our future. We spent a lot of times sharing our dreams, our future, sunbathing at Cafe Del Mar at Sentosa every Saturday, watching movies, FB-ing, meeting friends and cooking (he loves cooking).
In and out of SG, due to his visitor's visa after a month in SG... indeed make our relationship challenging and tough. The missing part... the distance part... make our love even stronger. Time goes by a lot slower when we miss each other dearly. Absence makes the heart grows fonder. When we unite again after a mth of missing each other... time flies so fast. Indeed. June. July.
My darling and I decided to start up a business - a design & event trade in SG - The Voxity Consultancy was born on 18 August 2009, but I run the biz legally as Jerry is considered a foreigner in SG, until he gets his PRship of SG.
End of September, my darling was back in PG again from SG. Missing him like crazy. This trip he went for a full check up on the ulcer that caused him discomfort and pain. When he was in SG, we visited my regular GP regarding the ulcer on his tongue. The Doc suggested he goes thru detailed check up in M'sia as he has not gotten his Work Permit to benefit from SG medical claim. Back in PG, he visited dental specialist to understand his situation at Penang Hospital. Biopsy done. The Docs who were involved claimed it may be infection from the previous extraction of tooth. That was the beginning, he cannot speak clearly due to the cut on his tongue.
October came. 10 October 2009. I was invited to darling's cousin's wedding. A place where I was introduced to the rest of the family of who am I to Jerry. Nervous. I met the twins again. They were so used to seeing me with their dad, they called me "Mummy". I was so excited to be a "mother" to the twins as I always wanted a twins - a boy and a girl. Exactly a dream came true. After the wedding, we had a great time with our good friends - Cynthia & Louis at SOHO, PG, despite the pain from the cut. The next day, 11 October, the twins' birthday!!! Happy 5th Birthday Sharon & Sebastian!!! Here's Mickey for Sebastian, & Minnie for Sharon (their birthday gifts I bought from SG). We celebrated together at their Kindergarden school at Trinity with Jerry's parents. We came back to SG together on October 13th. October 24th, our 1st anniversary of courtship. We went for movies & dinner. A lovely day & night.
7 November 2009. Jerry got a call from his mother. A shocking news. A news that had never occurred in our mind. Jerry's ulcer is confirmed cancerous. We both cried in each other's arms. And that's the beginning of a tough journey that our relationship was taking us to... He flew back to PG for further tests on the November 12th. I stayed in SG due to workload both from our biz - TVC & part time with my ex-company. I went back to PG mid-December to give him my love and support as he went for his Radiotherapy (33 cycles) at Mt Miriam. He was in pain... and discomfort. It pained my heart to see him in such condition but I put my strong faith and positive look to keep him encouraged... that thru this suffering, we will persevere until the end.
It was indeed a struggle from facing my darling's condition to my family objection towards our relationship. A lot of arguments with my parents as they objected our relationship due to his sickness. It was so stressful... to please just everyone. I prayed... and asked for guidance. I decided to continue my relationship with Jerry until death do us part. I stayed by his side throughtout his sickness. I believe in true love... a love of hope... a love of future... I went to and fro SG every 2 months... Jerry wanted me to have faith in him that he's fighting for our future. That's why he wanted me to continue with my job in SG instead of going back to PG. Besides, with a "tension" situation with my family, my darling wanted me to do what to please them - avoid seeing him. But he knew I will always be there for him mentally... always via mobile smses. As slowly as time went, he wasn't able to talk anymore due to the pain. And our communication mostly on smses or on writing. I miss his voice... a voice that warmed my heart in the past. A voice that kept me safe in his arm. Never will I give up on him as he had a fighting will... to live on... for me and the twins. I spent my Christmas and New Year being with him at his home before I flew back to SG.
Another month gone by. We were looking forward to see each other again. I came back to PG on February 8th 2010. And 1st thing I did was to meet him... and yes, he lost quite a bit of weight. Still looking good. His last Radiotherapy treatments on the 9 February. He was so happy, that the treatments finally ended. He was looking forward to new lease of life... We went for movies and some days stayed home for him to rest more. The 1st day of CNY 2010, the year of Tiger, a Valentine Day, February 14th, we went for our church Sunday service at EPCC to give thanks to the Lord of Jerry's fighting spirit to live on. But on this 1st day, my parents and my younger sister with her hubby went back to my late grandparents' home (to pay respect) at Kedah, which I did not follow that caused my parents to be upset with me. Sigh. It was another CNY tension in the family. And this time, on the 3rd day of CNY'10 my dad gave me "ultimatum" - if I continue to see Jerry, it's as good as losing a daughter, I might as well move out and stay with him and not return home. I did not know what to do. All I know was if I were to break up with my darling, he is not going to fight to live. And if I were to please my parents, I'm not going to be happy either. So I decided to continue our relationship but in secret for 2 weeks during my stay in PG and until we flew back to SG together on the 28th February. My darling missed SG and needed a break. While he was recuperating at home in AMK, I went to work. Somebody gotta work to make a living for both of us, right? So that's me. When I came home from work, every night we had a quality time together. But of course there were a few times full of frustrations. My darling just so stubborn and like to do his way. Sigh. But it was a blessed trip for him and a blessed time for us. He was happy despite the pain during his stay in SG. Of course we took a time for us to check out a new attraction in SG - Resort World Sentosa. Universal Studio wasn't open yet. So we make do with just snapping of photos outside Universal Studio. Due to his weak condition, we spent mostly at home or movies nearby. Came the day - 23 March 2010, he was to fly back to PG for his follow up review on Monday 29 March 2010.
Came the day for his report. Darling smsed me that the cancer is still there. Darling was so depressed. Somehow I cheered him up by giving him his birthday gift, cash clip for man on April 6th, 2010. He said no one remembered his birthday on FB. My darling... He was depressed that he ignored to go for tube feeding as he's losing more weight. His palliative doc mentioned to me if he's not putting much nutrition in his body, he'll lose out. The doc suggested if I could go back to PG to encourage him and give him all my support. What happen? The doc said looking at his condition, he's giving up... *sad*
I flew back om 28 April for a week plus, spending time with him. Encouraging, taking care of him, sharing with him about SG etc. He really went very very skinny - bone & skin. Not much flesh left. Thank God. His oncologist wanted to see him again. He did not want to go through tube feeding fear of pain and discomfort and to stay in hospital cos he finds that being in hospital his chance of recovering may not be as high as being at home. Besides, he disliked hospital due to fear. However, due to no one around at home to monitor his meal and take care of him, his mum and I encouraged him to go and listen to what the onco had to suggest in order to live. We went on 5th May 2010 to Penang General Hospital, and got him ready for tube feeding. It pained me to see him cried in pain when the docs and nurses hold on to him and pushed in the tube through his nose gently. And he needed to be hospitalised for the docs to monitor his condition as his legs were swollen due to malnutrition. I was not able to be with him in hospital due to my return flight to SG on May 6th. I continued to pray in proxy for him at Lighthouse Evangelism Miracle Service in SG every Saturday.
23 May 2010, I flew back to PG to spend time with him and take care of him again in the hospital. But it was a short trip in PG which was until 28 May 2010. He looked better but still unable to sleep. We were waiting for his operation to be confirmed as earlier scheduled op on 14 May had been postponed due to his weakness. Tracheostomy (for his breathing as the tumor has grown bigger and was blocking his breathing airway) & gastric feeding operation. His initial scheduled op was on 14 May then rescheduled to 11 June but due to a major op before him that went complicated, darling's op has been postponed to 19 June morning. Again the same reason, his op postponed again to the date to be advised. For 3 times Jerry's op has been postponed and twice he was wheeled to the Operating Theatre and still was not able to go under the knife. God indeed was with him at all times. He may be too weak for Op that God may have arranged the Op to be postponed. Finally, he was wheeled to the Operating Theatre on 21 June 2010 at 5pm. I was feeling miserable as I was unable to be by his side during his op which was scheduled at last minute. I prayed diligently that God and His angels will uphold my darling during this op. I prayed on Psalm 91 every night since he was hospitalized. The waiting make me stay awake all night. I smsed his mum for news. By 10 plus at night, I received his mum's sms that the operation was a success. Thank God.
During the month of June besides busy with workload, I was also busy hunting for a new place to rent as the previous place at AMK, the owner taking back by end of June. An important criteria for a place I'm looking at to rent was that it will welcome my darling to live in comfortably. It took me 3 weeks, 21 nights to view 22 units until I came across one that is a great place for me and my darling. So I moved into a new rented place on 29 June 2010. I smsed him regarding a great place for him to come back to SG to live. Of course, it never occurred to me that the operation had caused my darling not any better, until I received a call from his aunt on July 2nd. His condition was getting worse and I was so depress that I decided to fly home to be with him. In my heart, I have been believing he will get well... until I went to see him at the hospital on the 7th July, my heart just dropped. I cried outside of his hospital room. He was in a fowler's position with his face and lip swollen beyond recognition. My darling had been in suffering of pain and depression. He was unable to open his eyes due to the swell but he knew that I was back through my voice - "Darling, I am here!" Oh.. how my heart hurt for him... He wanted to tell me something. But he was unable to see, so he won't be able to write. And his body language was difficult for me to understand.
However, I never gave up on him... so I went to the hospital everyday... To talk to him. To massage his body, hands and legs. To clean up his drooling, his body, his face. To pray for him. To be by his side every day. And each day, there was an improvement. The swell slowly gone down. He was able to open his eyes on the 4th day as I continued to stay by his side till evening. Thank God.
14 July 2010. Received a call from Jerry's mum in the morning. His BP drop. His Oxygen drop. Emergency. I took a deep breath and calmed myself and rushed to PGH. Oh no... with so many wires attached to him. He is on oxygen support as he is getting weaker now. I continued to pray and talk to him, massage him - "Darling, I love you. I always love you. Everything is going to be ok. Trust God." His breathing had slowed down to become almsot indiscernible. It was obvious his body was giving out, and his spirit would soon depart. Thankfully, my dear Jerry was a Christian, so his eternal destiny was secure. Most of his relatives, cousins dropped by as doc suggested to get anyone who were close to Jerry to visit him as no one knows how long my darling can hold on until.
15 July 2010. The twins visited their daddy in the morning... and I spent the whole day with him. Talking and praying. Napped by his side. Holding his hand. He was so sound asleep like a baby with all the swell gone. He looked so peaceful, and charming for once... after the long ordeal. He has been fighting with a will of living for himself, for me and the twins. And I whispered to him as his eyes tried to flutter open, "Dear, don't worry about me. Don't worry about your kids. Don't worry about your parents. Jesus loves you. He doesn't want you to suffer like this. Feel His arms around you? He is waiting, go with Him when you are ready. We'll be okay." While saying this in tears, I actually fought against his spirit's departure in my heart. I selfishly dreaded letting him go. But he has suffered too long and has been so depressed. I continued to pray in silent, "May God's Will be done and not mine." As I went home in the evening, I do not have the bad feeling something may happen to my darling. Until midnight as I checked my mobile before I went to bed, Jerry's mum has called me 8 times and I strolled down to see a sms from his mum - Jerry has passed away at 9.20pm. *blank*
16 July 2010. I grieved his loss, I recalled our last moments together.
You never know what you have until you lose it, and once you lose it, you can never get it back.
3 comments:
Dear Serena,
I can finally understand the whole ordeal both you and Jerry gone through these past year or so... Thank you so much for your sharing!
Talking about sharing... I'd like to share my story too.
I've known Jerry since school although not really close since he was quite a rascal and I always try to stay out of trouble. It was only after returning from my uni days in US that we got closer when we used to hangout at a cyber cafe in One-Stop Midlands. Well you can say our passion for games brought us together.
We hang out after work and sometimes he would stay over at my place in Sg. Ara at the time which is like 500m away from his.
Then our dear friend decided to move down to KL for work perhaps something to do with his radio DJ dreams. About a year after, I met a very charming lady during my business trip to KL whom I fell head over heels with (oh she's my wife now btw) and decided to move down to KL as well.
Jerry was the guy that showed me around, helped me hunt for an apartment, buy an auto car due to KL notorious traffic and helped me learn the main roads. We spent several days driving around in my new Satria at 2-4am in the morning just to get to know the roads and highways as he said its the best time to do so without the traffic.
Several years after, he was having financial issues and I sub-rented out a room at a new apartment I was staying at Sri Damansara to him. So we were like housemates for close to 9mths if I'm not mistaken. When time came for me to move out to Subang, he decided not to tag along as it would inconvenient for him in terms of traveling.
After that, we kinda lost touch until one fine day I saw him at a Sri Petaling cyber cafe and thats when I learnt about his marriage and adorable twins.
Due to career and life's commitment, we seldom keep in touch. Then one day I saw his announcement on FB about his cancer and to be honest can't even find the words right now to express my feelings back then. Not sure if Jerry shared with you but I also lost my 2nd girlfriend to cancer many years back so I know all the pain you've been through trust me.
I will always remember him as being super optimistic chap and a great reliable friend whom I can always count on.
Thank you so much Serena for being there for him and may god bless you with abundance of joy the remaining journey of your life.
Cheers!
Daryl Lau
Dearest Serena,
I'm one of Jerry's old friends from his old high school, St.Xaviers in Penang. I just wanted you to know that I have been following your updates on Jerry's condition since the day he was diagnosed with cancer.
He has never been far away from my thoughts, and I have said prayers for him hoping that he would have a speedy recovery.
I'm sure you've heard it all before but he is blessed to have someone like you by his side. Even still. :)
And for what its worth, I truly and in all honest sincerity admire both of you. For your sheer courage, determination, strength, unwavering love and loyalty to each other. It is nothing short of awe inspiring.
And that is how I will always think of you, and how I will always remember Jerry.
Inspiring.
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